Something is happening to me though. I feel so empty. I miss kisses and hugs that mean something. I don't even really remember what those feel like. There is something empty about that. I want to be physical and not have any emotions involved. I'm not really speaking about sex in case you were wondering. I just want to be....wanted.
I thought I could be over whatshisface. There is always something that pulls me back. I hate it. I hate him. I wish I could really figure out what that something is. It takes it toll on me and I start to get all bitter. He's pretty and he is the type of guy most girls fall in love with easily but he likes to play with their hearts. most of the time he doesn't even realize it.
I'm tired of being bitter. Yet it seems to work best with me. Fucking bitch.
My thoughts have turned dark over the past couple of days. I don't dare put what I think.... for I fear that I may let it come true. There is a very small light that pops through. It reminds me of a smile after an awful day. It can change your day even if just for a second. That's what this boy is. That is what my loved ones are. I hope I am that for them.
Why is it so much easier to be sad and angry then to be happy? Happiness is a choice right? then why is it so hard to make?
One day I will be happy. One day I will always know that I am loved. One day I will be wanted. One day I know I will love myself and let go of all the hate I now have for myself go.